COOKING WITH NICOWATER
I, personally, am unable to smoke. I've tried, and I've coughed and choked myself silly. Breathing is too hard as it is. So alas, I have never gotten to feel the effects of Nicotine. However, that changed in one simple trip to Rite-Aid.
Nicowater is a fascinating solution. Invented as an alternative to nicotine patches and gums, it is bottled water with nicotine in it, which the bottle refers to as "80% Nicotonium in Water". Originally, rumor had it that it was dangerous and had been banned. The rumors were wrong. Spying it in my local grocery store, I purchased some.
For those of you not in the know, nicotine is a stimulant. Stimulants, like our beloved caffiene, mean go, go, go. Us geeks treasure this property in a food/beverage, for it allows us to remain up and aware far past our natural ability, playing video games or writing a term paper that has been procrastinated as much as humanly possible. So, finals being upon us, what better time to attempt to abuse an anti-smoking aid? Without delay, I prepare to chart the effects of a bottle of nicowater on my system.
Nicowater claims to taste just like normal water, not the ashtray taste one might anticipate. And that's true. However:
That's right. Although Nicowater does taste pretty inoffensive and, well, watery, it has a pronounced difference in viscosity. It's not like drinking pudding or novelty slime, more like drinking water with some corn starch in it. It's just enough of a difference to give you the impression something is wrong with it. However, I persisted. After careful monitoring, note the difference in my awareness charted after drinking:
Jack shit. A whole bottle of this lousy gooey crap did nothing for me. At about 11:30, I ate a candy bar which tasted supiciously like play do'h and thought this might be a side-effect. However, I had simply eaten some candy that I was keeping next to my play do'h.
Yeah, so I'm, like, 7 now.
Anyway, I was pissed, but I wouldn't be phased. I went back to the drawing board, and the drawing board looked something like this:
Time to call in the calvary: The unbeatable combo of expresso maker and coffee machine. Simply substitute Nicowater for water and behold the magic. Something produced here would definately provide me with some kind of kick.
Let's see what we come up with. The first drink here is the expresso maker's contribution, a lovely NicoCino. The results: Suprising. In fact, this mixed coffee drink tastes smoother and thinner than a normal cappicino. Does nicotine break down milk or something? Damned if I know, but it wasn't too bad.
Ladies and Gentlemen, never, in all my years of greatness, would I have anticipated what was about to happen. By brewing coffee with Nicowater, I had created NiCoffee. Best. Damn. Coffee. Ever. The thickness the Nicowater somehow created a coffee with surprisingly satisfying body. Not thick, sludgy, bottom-of-the-pot coffee, no. Think what coffee would be like if it were only slightly less thick than milk with all the great flavor. I'm not even a smoker and I felt a substantial fix, a calm and delight on par with sweet, sweet love . . . um . . . uh . . . drugs are bad.
The rest of that day is a blur, but a happy blur. So, I was pretty happy about my discovery, so I looked up some links to complete my story. Guess what I found out? The company that makes Nicowater, dodging its banning, LOST THE FSCKING PATENT! NOOOOOOOOOO! If you need me, I'll be hoarding.
P.S. A word of warning. There was a bit of a coffee maker explosion, which may be due to the fact that Nicowater is thicker than water or that I have a pretty malfunction-prone coffee maker. When I did successfully make NiCoffee, the filter ended up still being full of Nicowater, which I did not notice until clean-up. Also, I could have removed the pot too soon. My advice is to make NiCoffee without heisitation, keeping a camera or two around in case it does cause some sort of cool explosion, in which case you should then send the images to me for my amusement.